Romance never dies. It just changes.
It’s true those first looks are amazing. You will remember them for the rest of your life, and there will be times in a marriage when you want that look back. Life surrounds you, but it never has to encompass your entire relationship.
The first years of marriage are exciting as you learn to live with each other, even if you did so before marriage. Once you are a true unit, it changes, and you stop trying to impress. You start to relax. Then kids show up and you look at the bedroom as a refuge. It’s not. The kids will follow you everywhere at every hour. The light can dim in a marriage and the excitement settles into a routine. Then the day comes when the kids are out of the house, so what do you do? Read.
Your partner will never be the lead in a romance novel—get that out of your head right now—but he can be the lead in YOUR romance, though I guarantee he’ll need a little help with it. Since we are creatures of habit, one of the worst things we can do in a relationship is fall into a routine with sex. “Hey, it’s Tuesday, it’s time for sex!” does not excite anyone. The excitement would come from having sex because it’s Wednesday, the day after your scheduled appointment.
Romance novels and the newer steamy erotic novels are the best inventions for waking up a marriage bed that I have found. Start reading them more and you’ll get turned on more…and guess what? You’ll end up waking your partner up at one a.m. just to have sex—and that will be a new adventure.
I haven’t read any romance novels that feature just plain vanilla bedroom sex. That’s what makes them exciting. They aren’t something you will always be comfortable doing in your own bedroom, but in your mind it is a complete turn-on. You can be introduced to ideas you never thought possible, or ideas you imagined but never dreamed of doing, but it’s perfectly acceptable inside the realm of a book.
“I would fuck your ass, Tess,” he growled advancing on her once again. “Is that what you want? My best bud sinking in that tight pussy while I push inside your back hole. You would scream, baby.”
Does that excite you? It is definitely “not vanilla” and not something you would talk about even with your best friend, but in a relationship that has been going on for years? Discuss it.
Once you start reading, allow your mind to wander, and you can explore new avenues in your own bedroom. It opens discussions—even if you are blushing the entire time—that you never thought possible. Toys, multiple partners, a one-time fling? The IDEA is the main thing. What’s going on in your mind is what’s important, and so is communication. If you don’t talk about it, you won’t get the best experience out of it.
Some of my favorite things to do are to share what I’m reading with my husband. He laughs (a lot) because he’s not a reader, and that’s ok. He doesn’t seem to mind it in the middle of the morning, afternoon, or even night. Reading a steamy passage and sharing it can be a big plus, so share the passage that got you all excited! Imagine your partner being in a meeting and reading that one-to-two-line sex moment and turning a bright shade of red, yet smiling because they honestly can’t help themselves.
Take, for example, my favorite Misadventures series book, Misadventures with a Professor by Sierra Simone. As someone who is a book fanatic, any job that focuses on books is a win-win for me. Add in sex with a stranger in a city you are visiting and that’s a situation you can’t go wrong with. Send your partner a text such as:
He runs his tongue soft and slick through the split between my legs, and I nearly jump up from the bed.
But change it up, substitute “you” or “I” in places. Make it your own. Make them think about that moment, and make them as hot as you are at that moment.
I’ll be honest. This isn’t something that instantly works. It helps if it’s something that you continue and communicate. Does this turn you on? Don’t be embarrassed by it at all, though most of a certain age were taught not to express these feelings and desires. Time flies by, and encouraging and expressing these things throughout a relationship helps. Just as your hopes and dreams change, what turns you on can change.
It’s never too late to experiment, either. It might be that you read a section of a book and think you’d like to try that because if it made you that excited just reading about it, it must be amazing in real life! It’s not always true, but there is no harm in talking about it and sharing it.
Not everything either of us has suggested has always been accepted by the other, and that’s okay. It was brought up, occasionally experimented with, and sometimes put to the side and sometimes grasped and evolved into new adventures.
No matter what most people think, a sex life isn’t boring after a certain number of years. It’s all in how it’s approached and explored. Using ideas from the books you read is a great way to explore and find new ideas, and as a side benefit, who can argue with you getting more books if it’s increasing the sex?
(1) Leigh, Lora. 2017. Surrender/Submission, Bound Hearts Series: 31–32.
(2) Simone, Sierra. 2018. Misadventures with a Professor, Misadventures: 34. Waterhouse Press.
About the Contributor
Dana Sacco is a 46 year old retired debutante-farmer with 5 children. 1 grandson and married for 20+ years to a man who can fix anything. She slowed her life down by moving from the suburbs of Washington, DC farm life to the sunny coast of South Carolina where you are likely to find her listening to a book or reading her kindle while she sits in the sun.